Dementia is obviously a horrible, terrible progressive disease as someone you love goes from very basic memory errors – forgetting names, where they parked the car, etc. – to being incapable of speech, movement, feeding themselves.
As mom has progressed through these various stages, it’s been helpful to try to think of the good things that have come out of her having this disease instead of some of the other alternatives a person of her age might face – stroke, heart attack, etc.
1. I love and appreciate her more than I ever have. Because this is a slow-moving disease (going on seven years since we first noticed the earliest symptoms), you get to spend time with the person suffering from dementia while they are still alive, even knowing that, with no cure, this will end at the same place we all end – though many end there much more suddenly.
2. Related to that last point, the slow moving nature of dementia has allowed us to time to grieve, even while mom is still alive. She’s currently in this weird suspended state between being alive and being dead – not bedridden and unable to eat like a palliative patient but also not able to hold a conversation or move around independently. But having had years of watching her slowly fail, we have been able to move through the five stages of grief . I can’t speak for anyone else in our family but I know Shea and I are at the point of acceptance of where this will end and though mom’s eventual passing will be (very) sad, it will also feel like a relief and a release.
3. This one is a bit of dark humour but as mom has descended into different stages of her dementia, I can’t help but wonder if this is where the legend of zombies originated – human beings who are otherwise alive but their brains are taken over by something that slows and damages them. 😉
4. As this disease has progressed, I have gone to almost all of mom’s appointments with various specialists from family doctors to geriatric psychiatrists to neurologists and many more – some related to her dementia, some for other issues simply related to her aging. And one good thing is seeing that, even as the healthcare system is stretched and underfunded and often has long waitlists, for the most part, my mom got really kind, timely and useful care when needed.
5. Mom’s dementia diagnosis allowed us to open up a wider family conversation about both mom and dad’s end-of-life desires – where they would live? What kind of care they wanted? Would they live apart or move into care together? When and how to begin downsizing their home? Plans for their property holdings and other aspects of their estate?
PS – my “MemoryLane” category has never been more appropriate!
