It hit me harder than it might have for a few reasons, not least because I still remember one of the members of the Writers Guild of Alberta telling me horror stories about trying to live on AISH which gave them, I think $600/month twenty years ago to survive in Calgary which was (is?) a very expensive city to live in.
We also just lost a young colleague at the library and though I don’t know the circumstances, I do know that I’ve known too many people who have passed before their time.
Although we’ve had multiple people go off on sick leave and not return (which is also tragic), this the fifth colleague to pass unexpectedly while still at work – James, Tony, a SaskPoly intern named Sarmad, Kim, and now Whitney.)
News out of Alberta regarding a disabled man killing himself rather than face another cut to his disability pay is really upsetting me.
I think it’s really easy for us to think this is a problem other people face, and that it couldn’t possibly happen to you.
I’m going to share a story. About me.
My mental health had been slowly getting worse and worse for years. First sign? Two years ago, I didn’t plant a garden. But I didn’t recognize it as a sign, because I wasn’t looking.
It kept progressing.
Last Christmas, I was honestly praying I would get cancer so I could just die. Because death was preferable at that point, and I didn’t want my family to have to deal with my killing myself.
No one knew how bad things had gotten. I didn’t want to burden my friends with how bad things were in my head.
In January of this year? I broke.
One day, I started crying at work, and I couldn’t stop. I know it was likely scary for the people who saw me that day!
I went to the doctor. A young man, new to Canada. That doctor saved my life that day. He wrote me off work, said I needed some time to heal. He started me on some medication to help me sleep.
I was off work until a couple weeks ago. Most of you likely didn’t know that. It’s a hard thing to share.
I’ve always been capable. I’ve always been outgoing, friendly, welcoming, accepting. In January? I was none of those things. I was an empty shell.
I laid in bed for months. I cried and cried. I hated myself.
Two weeks in, I get a phone call.
It was my medical insurance, calling to let me know my claim was denied. They weren’t going to cover my medical leave from work.
In the depths of a depression so deep that I couldn’t even bath myself, I now had to fight for the insurance I had paid for through my job for more than 10 years.
[My husband] actually had to read the letter for me. My depression was so bad that as a smart person, I couldn’t even understand a formally worded letter.
What followed was 5 months of us being down an entire income, while fighting red tape AND a depression so deep that I wanted to die. WHILE still getting a bill to KEEP the same insurance that was denying me coverage.
I only survived the past 5 months because I had a husband. If not for him, we would have lost everything. We would have lost the house, the car. We wouldn’t have been able to eat.
If not for him, I would have been worse off than Bruce. Because there are no promises the safety net you paid for is going to catch you.
My point? Most of us are going to be disabled at some point in our lives. It shouldn’t be a death sentence.
I survived because in 2004 a man loved me, and in 2026 he still does. My kids keep a roof over their heads and food in their belly. That’s all. That’s what saved me.
Had incredibly busy day at the Sherwood Branch on Saturday – getting to know a newly hired Branch Manager who was on site, dealing with some scheduling blips, the launch of a new exhibit in the satellite gallery space for the Dunlop Art Gallery, (I’m usually at the Glen Elm Branch on Saturdays so this was the first time I was on site for an opening!), our Program Room fully booked (though one booking cancelled) including a baby shower (and after I snuck in to grab extra chairs for the Dunlop event, I even got to hold the baby!)
As is often the case at the library, people inside enjoying the library didn’t want to leave at closing. This included one of our favourite patrons, a regular who visits all of our branches and is beloved by all. She popped into my office near the end of the day to share some wisdom about some recent changes at the library and also to confirm that her mom and her were able to unload some of the heavy items I helped them lift into their cart when I bumped into them at Costco recently.
She didn’t want to leave. The people attending the gallery opening didn’t want to leave (and even continued their conversation outside.) The group of teens studying at our tables didn’t want to leave.
Someone recently told me about the term “Moral Injury” which is similar to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and also comes out of studies of the military.
But where PTSD is about something that damages a person’s loss of sense of personal safety after a traumatic event or series of events, Moral Injury can occur when a person engages in something that violates their own moral code by being forced to do (or not do) something that goes against their own morals and results in loss of trust in their leaders/institutions/society:
PTSD is a fear-based nervous system response to life-threatening trauma, characterized by hyperarousal and flashbacks. Moral injury is a values-based emotional wound stemming from actions (or failures to act) that violate your deeply held moral beliefs, characterized by profound guilt, shame, and betrayal.
Each of us believes that, at our core, we are fundamentally ethical people. But sometimes we are thrust into situations where there appears to be no ‘right answer’. Moral injury is caused when we are compelled to act against what we believe is right in a high-stakes situation. If you feel like you’ve experienced moral injury, Ethi-call is a free and confidential ethical helpline run by The Ethics Centre to help make sense of ethical dilemmas. Find out more and book an appointment today ? Link in bio. #Decisions#Complex#DecisionMaking#Principles#Values#MoralInjury#Philosophy#Ethics#Morality
Listen to Gabor Maté @gabormatemd explain the feeling of moral injury, which is exactly what we all feel at the moment facing the apocalyptic genocide livestreamed on our phones every day. I found this very helpful and very comforting in a time like this. #gabormaté#foryou#palestinetiktok#palästina#palestine
My mom’s sister, Sandi, has been coming from Kelowna to stay with us in Regina for about a month every spring ever since my son was born.
Since my mom was diagnosed with dementia she’s ended up spending more of her time in Indian Head so she can be with mom. She’s also been coming out a second time in the fall.
So Shea, the kids and I don’t get as much time with her as we used to. But we always look forward to her visits and feel sad when she has to go home.
