Head Tale

A senior manager recently said “I don’t want to say the word ‘but’ because everyone knows that when you say ‘but’, the next thing you say is going to be negative or bad news.”

She then went on to say “However…” to speak against something someone had done that had taken a huge amount of effort and work.

I had a similar “but…” experience once where a manager sent me a message literally two days after I’d found out I’d be working with them (and after having to overcome some artificial roadblocks to get that position in the first place!) that said “Not that I don’t want to work with you but…” then went on to share a link to a job outside our organization that she tried to frame as something that would be a better fit for me.

This was someone I’d worked with in various capacities for years who had NEVER sent me a job before (and hasn’t since!) so that passive-aggressive, manipulative message ended up underpinning our working relationship for years.

I’m a fairly open, forward, opinionated individual and I own that and that not everyone appreciates that because it can make them feel threatened or questioned or whatever, especially if they’re lacking confidence or experience (future Wisdom Wednesday topic – being in a higher position doesn’t mean you’re better or smarter – often means you’re better at playing the game or *not* questioning people in positions of authority or just keeping the status quo.)

But I get really frustrated that people who use plausible deniability (I suspect this person’s inner justification – and they maybe even truly believed it – was “I was just trying to help you by suggesting that job”) and manipulative tactics instead of being open and honest.  This person went on to lie to my face multiple times, rarely used independent judgement and had been handed her position on a silver platter compared to others in their position who had much more involved hiring processes to get the same job.

Anyhow, a colleague recently told me how they always learned from the managers they worked with – *but* sometimes they learned what *not* to do as well as things you should do.  And telling someone “Not that I don’t want to work with you but…” right after you find out you’ll be working with them is probably near the top of the list!