Head Tale

[Inspired by every Facebook thread about masks I’ve ever seen and the beautiful rants of Brent Terhune…]

“Listen up sheeple!

Wal-Mart thinks they can make me wear pants in their store just because they have a legal right to set policies for their own store and just because the government says pants are necessary to protect the people around us and just because well-trained medical professionals say pants help prevent the spread of disease and just because society, as a whole, has decided that we have to balance the freedom of the individual with the rights of the collective?

So what if I want to strut around Wal-Mart stark naked when I’m shopping for toilet paper and baker’s yeast?  Pants don’t even work – sometimes after I pee, a bit leaks out and stains the front of my pants.  So why wear pants if they don’t work perfectly?

All of you sheep need to stop letting fear rule your life and educate yourself on YouTube and /r/conspiracy like I did – you’ll learn that the requirement to wear pants is just a conspiracy between Big Detergent, Justin Trudeau, and the blue jean companies.

When he was my age, my grandfather gave up his life when he stormed the beaches of Dieppe.  If nothing else, his brave fight against fascism gave me the freedom to not be temporarily inconvenienced by the tyranny of pants for half an hour while shopping for more beard oil.

And another thing – pants are incredibly uncomfortable and my jizz berries gotta breathe.  How the hell are they supposed to do that if they’re covered by a thin layer of fabric?  In fact, if I wear pants too long, my crotch gets itchy and that’s 100% proof that pants are dangerous to people wearing them for extended periods and not that I have bad hygiene or my habits when I’m not wearing pants put me at a higher risk of contracting STDs.

I mean, c’mon!  So what if I want to bend over to more closely inspect the hair dye boxes and I happen to blow a wet fart that sprays moist droplets all over the aisle and into the path of anyone walking by for the next ten minutes?  That’s just me expressing my constitutional rights!  And sure, I can hear them but how the hell do I even know my butt’s mighty duck calls are real if I can’t see them?  That’s some real science for you by the way – if you can’t observe it, it ain’t real!

Do your own research.

Too many people are trusting the lamestream media who have their own pro-reality bias or the scientists who’ve studied diseases like this for decades.  I went to the school of “hard knocks” which, sure, was mostly my friends knocking me hard in the head on the playground.  But how I feel about this issue, plus the memes my uncle Charlie shares on Facebook, are just as relevant as what any poindexter scientist says!

Do you even know anybody who’s gotten sick from fecal matter?  Neither do I which clearly means diseases like cholera and dysentery aren’t real. Checkmate pantaloonies – enjoy wearing your pants to protect you from something that hasn’t personally affected me which means it obviously doesn’t exist!

I refuse to live in my life in fear of what happens if I refuse to wear pants.  Sure, some grandma might die of shock when she sees my ham ‘n’ eggs swinging in the cereal aisle.  Or some lady with COPD might gag to death on her own vomit looking at my naked nethers.  But we all gotta die someday, am I right or am I right?

Finally, god forbid if any minimum wage minion comes up and tries to force me to put pants on in their store.  If that happens, I’m grabbing my junk like a monkey in the zoo and it ain’t going to just be invisible poo particles contaminating everything around me because I’d rather be pantless than a smarty pants.

Just sayin’…”