Now, there are numerous phrases you hope you never hear your child say. Things like: “Fly, kitty, fly!” or “Daddy, I made a swimming pool in the hallway.” (Both of which I’ve heard by the way.)
But Pace might as well stop talking forever because yesterday’s comment is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard him say. Of course, I didn’t think it was funny when Shea and I were sitting in our living room, watching the news and Pace decided to ask “Daddy, do you have a penis in your mouth?”
I did a very classic double-take and blurted, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” He repeated it exactly but since he sometimes mis-speaks, my mind began racing for words that rhyme with penis – “Do I have a weenis in my mouth? A genus? A meannus?” Nope.
I looked over at Shea who was fairly nonchalant about this sudden development, all things considered.
“Did you hear what he just asked me?”
“He asked if you had a penis in your mouth,” she replied as if Pace says these kinds of things on a daily basis.
Again, my mind is racing – what raunchy comedians have I watched lately that he could’ve overheard? Could some older kid have taught him this at daycare? Did his cartoon channel accidentally get switched to the gay porn station by someone asleep at the switch? (It happens.)
“Well, any idea where he might’ve got that from?” I asked, only slightly verging on panic at the thought of Pace holding court in the back corner of the daycare playground doing Andrew Dice Clay routines.
“Oh, I know. The other day he wanted to count my teeth. Maybe he saw my uvula and thought it was a penis?”
So if you thought the words out of Pace’s mouth were unexpected, I found myself saying a couple phrases I never thought I’d utter: “Pace, first off, just because something is fleshy and hangs off your body, it doesn’t mean it’s a penis. That thing in everybody’s mouth is called an uvula. Second, mommy and daddy are happy that you used the proper name for penis even if you weren’t referring to an actual penis. And come to think of it, we won’t even get into words that rhyme with uvula right now. Finally, please don’t ever ask anybody that question again. Oh, except your grandpa – you can ask him.”
Yep, it’s fun being a parent!